The car ride to hell knows where next
by DelphineClaire
Summary: This takes place from episode 15 of season 8, Dean has reestablished his trust in Sam after they finished the familiar case, but can't help but be reminded of concerning matter. This is basically my prediction/interpretation of the thoughts going through their heads from where the latest episode ended.


This takes place from episode 15 of season 8, Dean has reestablished his trust in Sam after they finished the familiar case, but can't help but be reminded of concerning matter. This is basically my prediction/interpretation of the thoughts going through their heads from where the latest episode ended.

Enjoy ^.^

As I drove with Sammy along the dark and absent road, I, as I had multiple times that day, repressed my painful thoughts about Cas.

Why wasn't he answering Where was Cas? Was he even alive? Eventually my thoughts unwillingly spun off related tangents. Why does everyone assume I'm gay?

I AM NOT GAY!

But dammit Cas...These thoughts and questions scrambled and occupied my mind. I feel sad, angry, guilty and above all lonely. Why am I so worried about that damn Angel? Why can't I stop thinking about Cas. Portia and James are in love despite their differing species, despite what anyone thought. How are they able to live with their love? How are they about to express their feelings without any regard to judgement or social norms? I couldn't help but ask how their relationship worked. Portia had told me that there's an unbreakable bond, like a melding of souls. That they would die for each other When she had told me this, I couldn't help but think of our more profound bound. I couldn't help but sympathize. I couldn't help but realize that I felt this same sort of loyalty. I continued asking her about their inter-species relationship and she caught on that this was something I was interested. Not because of simple curiosity, but because I needed to know that it wasn't as impossible as it seemed. When we finished the case, she smirked and said she knew I wouldn't miss her, that she knew I didn't like dogs, even after I spoke otherwise. But, I honestly I don't think she was being literal. Someone with such a bond to someone, can sense another with that same sort of love. Could she possibly be accusing me of being gay?

I AM NOT GAY!

Cas is my friend,my family and I trust him, hell I would die for him. Cas has died for me. I worry, miss, and long to see him just to know he is safe in a totally non-gay way. I mean what would Sammy say? What would've Dad thought? What if Cas doesn't even feel... what the hell am I even saying. That familiar is just messing with my head. It doesn't matter how he feels about me in that way, because

I AM NOT GAY!

But then, what if he does. What if he feels and thinks exactly what I feel when I stare into those deep and cold blue eyes of his. When I laugh at his awkward and dorky naivety. When I can't help but smile when he gives me that adorable little smirk. Did I just say adorable? I meant stupid smirk... But what if he feels the same pain I feel when he is gone.

Dammit Cas, why do you do this to me? Why do you make me miss you? Why do you worry me to death? Why do you make me reckless and stupid when you do something reckless and stupid for me? Why do you look at me with such longing? Why do you make me question everything that I think I feel, everything that I think I believe in?

Am I gay?

No...Dammit Cas, I need you. I just need you. You need to stop this. Stop leaving me. You need to stop coming back like everything is fine, and then leave in a blink of an eye without a single word or goodbye. I can see the pain in your eyes. Can you see the pain in mine? Either you come back and never leave my side, or stay gone forever. I have lost Mom forever. I have lost Dad forever. I have lost Bobby forever. But at least I know there is no way I can save them. Not knowing where you are or if your in danger, knowing that I could help in some way that I could save you if I only knew how, is all the more painful. I just can't bear being torn apart over and over again. Its like hell all over.

So I pray unto Castiel...Cas just get your feathery ass back right now!

As I drove with Dean along the dark and absent road, I concealed the blood that spilled out of my mouth from hoarse and painful coughs.

Why was this happening? Why now? My big brother has always protected me, he has always tried to carry every burden presented to us. I want to protect Dean. He finally trusts me. How could he not? I am all he has left to hold onto.

Mom, Dad, Bobby, even Cas has left him... has left us. But we have always been there for each other. And he finally trusts me enough to help carry the burden lain onto us, the Winchester boys, the brothers who are stupid enough to start the Apocalypse and strong enough to end it. The brothers who are obliged to close the gates of hell for good, and contribute to this cruel world in which they have harmed as much as they have healed. I have learned to cope with this fact. But Dean can't take a single breath without thinking about all the deaths he is convinced ensued because of him. In his mind, it is his fault people we love have died, it is his fault that we have lived such a painful life. But it really isn't.

He isn't in this battle alone.

That is why I must complete the trials. That is why I need to close the gates of hell. That is why I can't tell him this task is already starting to kill me. If he finds out, there no doubt he will take back all of his words and find a way to stop me from performing the trials myself. There's is no way that he would let his brother die for him again. Dean doesn't care what happens to him, he just wants to protect what he has left. But he doesn't understand that if I let him go on this suicide mission, that it would be impossible for me to cope with. Impossible to live the white picket fenced life he dreams of me having.

I can't let him do it.

I don't deserve that life. Dean deserves happiness. He is all I have left. So, its my turn to protect you Dean. I know that I've made this same mistake over and over again, I know that you finally trust me, I know what will happen if you find out. But I can't tell you about the toll the trials are having on me. I can't risk losing you.

I'm sorry Dean.

I'm so sorry, and that's why I must do this on my own. That is why I must lie and hide the pain. Because any pain, any death... even hell would be more bearable than losing you due to your reckless need to protect me.

It is my turn to keep you safe Dean.


End file.
